Good Friends or Dead Weight?

At some point in your life, you will question the friendships you have. That is very natural and even displays a level of self-awareness and growth. Sometimes, we find that some friendships do not benefit/add anything to our lives. I am not saying that all friendships must be beneficial to you, but as you grow older and have less time (and energy to deal with people), you will want a friendship where you can at least get one thing out of, say someone who can listen to you. Or someone who makes you laugh. Or someone who grounds you.

I used to think all my friendships should be the same, and used to measure how ‘good’ of a friendship we have based on one scale. That scale revolves around how often we’d talk, and how many secrets I’ve been able to trust that person with. Then I realized the unfairness in my comparison as they are all different individuals, which helped me understand that not all my friendships have to be the same. What I mean by that is I can have friends who I talk to everyday, and others who I talk to a couple times a month, and I can still call refer to both as best friends. I can have friends who I tell everything to, friends who I can talk to health and family problems about, and friends who I can just have a good laugh with. I don’t necessarily need to have all those things in each friendship, but just one is enough. Every person in your life serves a different purpose. Now ideally, you’d be able to tell one person everything. But it is crucial to understand peoples limit and to also constantly remind yourself with the possibility of the friendship ending abruptly. What happens when they leave? Do they tell all your secrets or do they take it to the grave?

Now that we can accept the different types of friends and levels of friendships we can have in one’s life, we are able to evaluate them more clearly, rather, more fairly. So what makes a good friend?

A lot of things.

What type of influence do they have on you? The people you spend your time with influence the way you think. Their energy and your energy combine. Sometimes you feel drained after communicating with someone. Is that always the case? Or were they just having a bad day and you were the good friend to them?

Do they make you want to be a better person? Do they motivate you to do better? This is not limited to only supportive friends, but those who challenge you. For instance, you may have a friend who does so well academically, it makes you want to do as good or even better.

Are they always there for you? Let it be known that in some of the hardest moments of my life, I have found myself alone. In those moments where I felt like I truly needed someone, I had no one to lean on. The way one looks at things can make or break this type of situation. After the initial moment of anger and ‘wow, my friends suck’ moment passed, I reflected. First, I asked myself why was nobody there? Was it because I was too prideful to admit and clearly say ‘Hey, Im going through a rough time right now and I need you’ ? Could it have been because they are busy with their own lives and might have the same - if not worse - problems going on too? Second, what type of situation did that leave me in? And that is when I realized: I did it. I did it by myself. I did not ‘need’ them. I wanted them. Their support would have been nice, but here I am. This realization came after somewhat constant disappointments coming from the same situation. Now this doesn’t mean they are never there for me, because they are. A lot of the times. Life is mainly just a bunch of hard experiences and a few really good ones. Yet, that was more than enough for me. It was more than I can ask of them and I do not like to ask much.

This was a building experience, however. I cannot always expect people to be there for me. I had to learn to navigate through life situations by myself. It builds character, perseverance, and strength. It makes your bond with yourself, grow stronger, and gives self-confidence.

You are the only person in your life you have to spend a 100% of your time with. Focus more on your friendship with yourself. It is not a sin to like yourself.

The rest of the questions I leave for you as something to ponder.

Lastly, I would like to point out that it is common to drift away from some friendships. A friend you spoke to everyday can become one you speak to occasionally. That does not mean one must cut them off. We grow old and get busy. We make new friendships based on where we are in our lives. That is why we have multiple best friends, from school, university, work etc… It is human nature to surround ourselves with people going at our own pace but does not mean we should give up on those who are not, solely for that reason. Good friends are hard to come by. Hold on tightly to the ones you have.

All friendships go through rough patches. Sometimes you will find yourself putting in so much effort, while they do not seem to care. Other times, it will be the opposite. There must be a balance. You both at some point worked for the friendship when the other did not care. That means something. It may even be a whole year of struggling until one day it clicks and you guys are closer than ever.

This post was inspired by an email I received a while ago. That is how fast it takes one of you to inspire me. I thank you for that.

I have so much more to say about friendships, but I want to hear from you. What type of friends do you have? What rough patches have you been through?

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Email: candourchronicles@outlook.con

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